Undefined
by Miss Sunshine15
Summary: Slightyly AU Rachel centred fic set 3 years after the finale.
1. Chapter 1

Undefined

**Undefined**

I started writing this fanfic about 3 years ago but only completed the first two chapters on paper, the second of which I have lost but I have got a pretty good idea of how it went but after that I'm not quite sure how its going to evolve but I can say that it is mainly going to be about Rachel.

**Disclaimer**- I don't own Friends, the characters or anything associated with it. 

**­****Background info:** Its 2007, everything up until TOW Joey speaks French happened as on the show, however some other things are different. Rachel never got fired and therefore was never offered a job in Paris and still works at Ralph Lauren. She and Emma who is almost 5 live in a new apartment not far from where they all used to live. About 6 months ago Rachel split up with her boyfriend Steve who she had been dating for about 8 months, he is the only person she has had any kind of serious relationship with, usually things never last more than a couple of dates. Ross got his tenure as on the show and still works at NYU but he also does some work at the Museum. He has had a couple of girlfriends but nothing that has really lasted more than a couple of months. Monica and Chandler adopted Jack and Erica who just turned 3 and moved to Westchester, Chandler was promoted to Senior Copywriter at the advertising agency and Monica still works at Javu but went part time so only works 3 days a week so she can be at home with the twins. Phoebe and Mike moved to the same neighbourhood as Chandler and Monica about 7 months ago with their son Nick who is 2 and Phoebe is 4 months pregnant. Joey didn't go to L.A and is still working on Days of our Lives and lives with his fiancée Lisa, a hair and make-up artist from the show in an apartment similar to the one he moved into in season 2.

Chapter 1

"Mommy, when am I going to Daddy's?"

Rachel heard Emma's shout from her room as she was packing a small bag of Emma's things in the lounge. "As soon as you bring me your sunhat and have brushed your teeth." She replied with a bittersweet smile.

Rachel loved the fact Emma enjoyed going to Ross's so much but hated her going there. Not because she and Ross were on bad terms, but because without Emma around Rachel found herself with very little to do. Not long after Monica and Chandler moved out of the city Rachel decided it was time she got her own apartment and her and Ross developed a routine where Emma would live with each of them for four days at a time before going back to live with the other. It was a routine that had developed mainly out of Ross's fear that he would miss out on things because he wasn't living with her and it was a routine that worked well because it meant that they both had the chance to take her and collect her from school and both could enjoy full days out with her at the weekends. However, for Rachel the four days that Emma spent with Ross always seemed to last a lot longer than the four days she spent with her, especially when Ross's days fell over the weekend and she didn't have to work, like today.

Ever since the rest of the gang had begun to move away and start their families Rachel had started to become lonely and felt that everyone was moving forward except her, when she had been dating Steve it hadn't been so bad but once again it was a relationship that didn't last and in the six months since they had broken up Rachel's fears and feelings seemed to have increased ten-fold. Talking to Monica and Phoebe about her worries had become difficult as neither of them shared her worries as they once had. They had their own families to be concerned about and their husbands to share their worries with while Rachel was still worrying about finding a husband!

Rachel was broken out of her reverie by Emma bounding out of her bedroom carrying a sunhat for Rachel in one hand and carrying her favourite stuffed bunny by the ears in the other. "There you go Mommy, I'm ready now."

"Let me check your teeth." Rachel said, knowing that her daughter hadn't brushed them yet.

Emma gave a dramatic sigh, "you're nearly as bad as Daddy, he checks them after I've brushed them too!"

"Good! At least we know they won't all turn black and fall out by the time your 8" laughed Rachel as she ushered her daughter towards the bathroom.

Rachel and Emma arrived at Ross's twenty minutes later and found him in the kitchen making sandwiches with Ben. Hellos where swapped as Emma gave both her Daddy and big brother hugs.

"Hey Emma come in the lounge, I've remembered another trick to teach you."

"Cool!" Emma giggled in awe of her big brother as they left Ross and Rachel in the kitchen.

"I bet your regretting teaching Ben all those practical jokes now aren't you?" Ross laughed.

"Oh yeah! Last week I ended up with salt on my cereal because Emma had swapped it with the sugar." Rachel replied.

"Nasty!"

"Yeah it was… so what's with all the food?" enquired Rachel.

"Oh just making a picnic to take to the zoo with us, its what Ben wanted to do today." Ross said as he turned back to the sandwiches he and Ben had been preparing when Rachel and Emma arrived.

"Sounds like fun, although the way those two are laughing I'd say that you're going to have your work cut out for you trying to control them." Rachel stated as she heard a renewed bout of laughter from the lounge.

Ross smiled, "probably but I love having both of them at the same time, it makes the exhaustion worth it. So what are you planning to do with your Emma free weekend?"

"Oh big plans… you know? Cleaning and doing laundry!" Rachel replied with fake enthusiasm.

Ross looked at her in mild surprise, "what no plans with Monica and Phoebe or any hot dates lined up?"

Rachel sighed, "No. I… its kinda hard to make plans with the girls now I'm the only one in the city. When Phoebe was still here we used to go to Monica's quite often with the kids or the three of us would have a girlie day shopping but now…its not that easy, they always seem to have other plans."

Ross looked her in sympathy, missed having all the gang so close by too but at least he still had Joey in the city who still hung out with quite often. "Its weird not being able to just drop in after work to say hi isn't it? I know Mon and Chandler moved ages ago but now with Mike and Phoebe gone to and Joey engaged it seems worse somehow. But hey, at least we've still got each other."

Rachel smiled a little, "yeah… Anyway I should get going, let the three of you enjoy your day together." She said as she made her way out of the kitchen. "Emma honey, I'm going now so come give me a hug."

Emma wandered over to Rachel with Ben by her side but instead of hugging Rachel she elbowed Ben and whispered "you ask."

"Ask me what sweetie?" Rachel replied while sharing a bewildered look with Ross.

However it was Ben that answered. "Aunt Rachel will you come to the zoo with us?"

"I'm sorry but I can't …" Rachel started to say before Emma interrupted her.

"Please Mommy! It's gonna be sooooo much fun!"

Rachel felt her heart melt as she looked at the matching pleading faces Emma and Ben were pulling, complete with the puppy-dog eye look that they had both inherited from Ross. "It's not really up to me, you need to ask your Dad if it's okay with him."

Ben and Emma both turned to Ross "Please Dad!!"

Ross smiled "it's fine with me, besides it's the first proper weekend that we have had really nice weather this year you don't want to miss it doing laundry do you?"

"Looks like I'm coming then" laughed Rachel as Emma and Ben began jumping up and down, cheering.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Chapter 2

A/N: I'm English and have never been to USA never mind Central Park Zoo so the list of animals they go to see is based on info from the website.

Disclaimer: Friends doesn't belong to me…

Several hours later, after having already seen the polar bears, pandas, monkeys, been to the aquarium, seen both the penguins and sea lions being fed and enjoyed their own picnic Rachel had run out of reasons not to go to the Reptile House, which to her horror and Ross, Ben and Emma's delight she now found herself. Not wanting to look at any of the creatures that she was scared of, Rachel sat on a bench with all of their belongings and watched Ross in his element as he explained all about each species of animal to his children, both of whom seemed very interested and hung on every word Ross said.

As she saw Emma eagerly dragging Ben and Ross to the next tank Rachel found herself smiling, surprised at how much she was enjoying herself. Ross had been right about the weather being nice and with Emma's giggles and obvious signs of excitement at every animal was so infectious that she couldn't help but have a good time. Rachel tried to remember the last time she had ad so much fun, never mind laughed as much as she had when they were at the monkey enclosure where she and Ross had entertained Ben and Emma with stories about Marcel, including how Rachel had once lost Ross's pet.

Rachel was interrupted from her thoughts by Emma trying to encourage her to have a look at a particularly 'cool' lizard in one of the tanks. "But its so cool Mommy and not scary. It sits there flicking its tongue out catching flies to eat like this!"

Rachel laughed at her daughters impression. "I'll take your word for it Em, but I'm okay sitting here."

"Please!"

"Honey if Mommy says no she means no. You wouldn't like it if we made you do something you didn't like would you?" Ross stated as he and Ben both came up to the pair as a way of repaying Rachel, who knowing his fear of spiders had come up with an excuse for them not to visit the insect house earlier.

"No. Sorry Mommy." Emma looked down as she apologised to Rachel and gave her a hug.

"Its okay sweetie I know you just wanted to show me because you like it so much. Hey, I don't know about you guys but I'm getting really hot, how about we go into the park and get ice-creams?" Rachel suggested as she began gathering their belongings and Ross picked up the picnic basket to leave.

"Okay! Can I get one with a flake?!" The idea of ice-cream obviously cheering Emma up again.

Fifteen minutes later Ross and Rachel found themselves sat under a large tree eating their ice-creams and watching Emma and Ben, who had eaten their ice-creams in double fast time play with a plastic tennis set they had bought in the zoo gift shop. Rachel turned to look at Ross who had the biggest smile on his face as he watched his children playing happily together. "I'm glad you talked me in to coming with you today, I've had fun. Definitely beats cleaning and laundry"

"Good, hate to say it but told you so!" Ross answered with a grin, earning himself a swat on the chest from Rachel. "Seriously though, I'm glad you came too. I would of hated knowing you were in your apartment alone when we were having so much fun. Also it was much easier to keep the two of them from getting to over excited and hyped up with you here."

Rachel smiled and looked back to where the kids were playing. "Good to know I'm of use to you… Its nice to see Emma and Ben getting on so well, I mean how many 12 year old boys would normally be interested in playing with their nearly 5 year old sister?"

Ross looked in the same direction as Rachel and saw both his children laughing as Emma completely missed the ball Ben hit towards her and it rolled over to an elderly couple who were walking past. "Yeah, I guess not many normally. Although I'm prepared to bet that they wouldn't get on quite as well if the lived together all the time. Think about how Monica and I used to argue!"

"Yeah, that's true. Its good that they have each other though, I doubt either one will be getting another sibling anytime soon." Rachel stated, thinking more about how she certainly wasn't likely to be having another child in the foreseeable future.

Ross was just about to ask Rachel to elaborate on her last statement but was interrupted by the elderly couple who had given the ball back to Emma approached them under the tree.

"Excuse us, we're sorry to interrupt but we just wanted to say that the two of you are very lucky. You have got two lovely, polite, happy children. You should be very proud, they really are a credit to you both." The lady smiled at them as her husband continued to praise them.

"Yes, its so nice to see such a happy young family enjoying a day out together. My wife have been married for nearly 50 years and have always maintained that the key to happiness was spending lots of quality time together as a family and its such a rarity these days with so many people getting divorced!"

Ross looked at Rachel in surprise as he heard her say "Thank you. We hope we can be as happy together for as long as you two have been."

"I'm sure you will be dear." Replied the elderly woman before adding "I can tell a happy family when I see one. Anyway we will be on our way and let you get on with enjoying your day. Bye."

Finally having recovered from the shock of what Rachel had said, Ross managed a "Bye" as the couple retreated, giving a little wave to Ben and Emma on their way. Once the couple were out of earshot Ross turned to Rachel, who judging by the look on her face just as confused and surprised by what she had said as he was. "What the… I… what was that all about?!"

Rachel shrugged, "I don't know, they were… they were just so sweet and I didn't want to ruin their illusion that normal happy families still exist."

" But we aren't a normal happy family are we?!" exclaimed Ross.

"Yeah I know we're not Ross … I just didn't think there was anything to be gained by telling them that! I mean there old and we gave them something to smile about for five minutes, I don't see what's so bad about that." Rachel sighed as she finished and turned away from Ross back towards where Emma and Ben were still playing happily. _'Eurgh!! Why did Ross always have to state the obvious? Of course she knew that they weren't a family but…but it had felt kind of nice pretending for five minutes seen as it was the closest she was likely to get to having her own proper family.'_

Ross could tell that he had said the wrong thing and that she was pissed off with him, he just hoped that it didn't ruin their day. "Hey Rach… look at me." No response. "Look I'm sorry okay? You were doing something nice and I over reacted, don't let it spoil our day, we were having a good time before all of this… can't we just forget the last five minutes never happened?" He was getting desperate now, he hated it when Rachel got made at him and knew that she could continue the silent treatment for days when she wanted to.

Finally she turned back to face him, "okay, apology accepted."

"Good…come on lets get the kids and we'll go to the movies, my treat. If you're lucky I might even spring for pizza afterwards too." Ross got up and offered her his hand as she contemplated it. "You know you want to… it'll be a good way to finish the day off!" he added as he saw her beginning to break.

"Fine but only because you're paying!" Rachel exclaimed, half seriously, half laughing as she finally accepted his hand and he pulled her up.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Disclaimer- friends aren't mine!! The story is though!

I'm not completely happy with this chapter but I have been working on it for 2 days and don't think I could really do anymore with it!

Undefined –Chapter 3

It was gone 9pm when an extremely tired Rachel finally got back to her apartment after her day out with Ross, Emma and Ben. Unsurprisingly Ben and Emma had loved the idea of going to the movies so they had gone to see Shrek the Third and after that Ross had come good on his offer of dinner so they went to Pizza Hut before Rachel helped Ross got the exhausted Emma and Ben and the picnic stuff back to his apartment. Heading straight to her bedroom Rachel stopped briefly to turn the radio on to an easy listening station as she passed. A couple of minutes later she emerged from her bedroom wearing pyjama bottoms with a vest top, pulling her hair back into a loose bun she headed for the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of cold white wine before silently sinking onto the couch with only her thoughts for company.

Despite being extremely tired from her busy day, Rachel knew there was no chance of getting to sleep at the moment with so many things running through her head. Taking a sip of her wine Rachel began trying to process her thoughts. She had such a brilliant day with Emma, Ben and Ross, in fact it was the most fun she had had in months. It had been great to see Emma and Ben getting on so well and she had enjoyed spending time with Ross and reminiscing about Marcel, yet it was the incident with the elderly couple that she couldn't get off her mind:

"_Excuse us, we're sorry to interrupt but we just wanted to say that the two of you are very lucky. You have got two lovely, polite, happy children. You should be very proud, they really are a credit to you both." _

"_Yes, its so nice to see such a happy young family enjoying a day out together"_

"_I can tell a happy family when I see one"_

Phrases kept replaying themselves over in her head like a broken record. Ross was right they weren't a 'happy family' so why had the old couple thought they were? _'I guess we could of looked like a family, the ingredients were all there- Mom, Dad, big brother, little sister. But four people don't just make a family, I could of easily been a single Mom out with the kids who had bumped into a neighbour or we could have been old friends who had decided to meet up in the park with their respective children.' _Rachel thought as she took a large sip of wine. _'What was it about us that made us look like a family?' _

Unable to come up with answers to her own questions Rachel began to think about what had happened when she got back to Ross's apartment, which despite being a totally independent incident was linked to her previous confusing thoughts.

_An hour earlier:_

_Ross opened the door to his apartment with a sleeping Emma clinging to his back whilst Rachel was holding the picnic basket and trying to keep Ben from falling asleep standing up. "I'm gonna put Emma straight to bed" Ross whispered as he headed towards the bedrooms._

"_Okay, I'll come and give her a kiss once I've put these in the kitchen" replied Rachel in an equally quiet whisper._

_On returning from the kitchen Rachel met Ben coming out of the bathroom and was surprised when he came over to her and gave her a long hug._

"_Thank you for coming with us today, it was brilliant! It was like we were a proper family."_

_Rachel went from surprised to shocked now, "what do you mean a proper family?"_

"_Like they have on T.V, you know… with a mom, a dad, a bother and a sister."_

_Rachel was too stunned to speak so she just nodded as Ben gave her a kiss on the cheek before saying "goodnight" and heading to the bedroom that was once Rachel's but was now shared between Ben and Emma._

After recounting her exchange with Ben to Ross, Rachel had discovered that Ben had recently been bullied in school because of Carol and Susan's relationship and not having a 'proper family':

"Arrgh, I should have guessed something like this might happen when Ben first asked you to come with us."

_Confused, Rachel asked, "Erm, how could you have known he would say something like that?"_

_Ross sighed as he sat down on the couch, "Ben's been getting bullied at school for having lesbian moms and has been going on about how it's not fair and how he wished he had a normal family like the other kids. I suppose you spending the day with us is the closest he's ever going to get to what he wants."_

"_Poor kid, although I doubt half the other kids in his school actually have normal families."_

Rachel fully understood Ben's desire to have a normal family as it was something she desired herself. It was something that she had thought about on and off when she was in her twenties but ever since she had had Emma it had been at the back of her mind. However it had become a constant in the forefront of her mind since Monica and Phoebe had each started their own families, and no matter how hard she tried not to be she couldn't help but feel jealous of what they had and she didn't. Obviously she was happy for both Monica and Chandler and Phoebe and Mike but she couldn't help but wonder how and why they had achieved something that had so far completely alluded her. Of course she had Emma, who she loved so much and couldn't imagine what her life would be like without her, but sometimes Rachel would look at her two best friends with their respective husbands and children, complete families living and working together and see how much happier they seemed compared to her.

Taking another sip of her wine Rachel's mind drifted back to a time not so long when she had thought she was about to get the family she so badly desired. She and Steve had been dating for eight months and things had been going great, he was caring and affectionate with Emma, even when Emma seemed to do everything in her power to drive him away and he treated Rachel like she was the most special person in the world. She had really believed that he was going to be it, the one to give her everything she had dreamed of. However when it had come down to it, it turned out that the family he was offering her wasn't the one she desired:

6 months earlier (Nov 2006)

_Rachel was sat opposite Steve in a small but extremely popular Italian restaurant, enjoying a romantic date while Emma was with Ross over the weekend. Steve had been quiet all evening and as the waiter cleared away their plates Rachel asked him about it, "Honey are you okay? You've been quiet all night."_

"_Yeah sweetie I'm fine… actually there was something."_

"_Oh, is there something wrong." Rachel was worried, she thought things had been going great between them recently._

"_Relax, its nothing to worry about, well at least I hope its not… I… what… what I'm trying to say is, Rachel I love you, I love Emma and I know we haven't really been dating that long but I want to spend the rest of my life with you…"_

_Rachel's head was spinning 'is he going to do what I think he's going to do? Calm down Rachel, this is what you have been waiting for!'_

"…_so Rachel, will you marry me?" Steve completed, breaking Rachel from her thoughts as he presented her with a ring._

_All of a sudden her future seemed to flash in front of her eyes and before she could comprehend why, she found herself saying, "I'm sorry Steve but I can't. I love you, I do … and until you said the words I really really thought this was what I wanted but it's not... I've been imagining what my future, my family will be like for so long and I don't know who its going to be with but I know now that its not you. I'm so sorry." She finished with a tear rolling down her cheek._

As she thought about it now Rachel once again found herself with a tear rolling down her cheek, not because she regretted her decision that night because she knew that if she had accepted Steve's proposal she wouldn't have been happy even though she would of finally had a family of her own. Rachel knew she had made the right decision but she was still no closer to finding that person she wanted to share her future and family with. So tonight the tears were for the family and the future she desperately wanted but couldn't see herself ever having.


End file.
